What my autistic clients are teaching me...
- Jo
- Mar 31, 2023
- 2 min read
Counselling Autistic Clients
I have been privileged to develop counselling relationships with a few clients who identify as autistic. This week is Autism Acceptance Week, and I want to share my appreciation for the unique perspectives they bring.
I realise that ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) is a very broad spectrum, and my clients are not 'representative' of other people with ASD. I also accept that It is impossible to really know another person's mind (or our own, for that matter). Every internal experience is rich, diverse, unique and unknowable. Even so...
I believe that on the whole, my autistic clients are more painfully in touch with reality than my non-autistic clients.
What do I mean by that?
My non-autistic clients seem to suffer in relationships because of 'magical thinking':
They imagine they already know what others think and feel about them, so it's reasonable for them to feel and act on that basis
They also imagine others know what they are thinking and feeling, and aught to act accordingly
They are capable of such certainty about these illusions that
They blind themselves to actual growth and change in the other person
They can feel hurt, angry and frustrated when unvoiced wants and needs aren't met
Talking feels pointless, but the imagined conversation provokes all the emotions of a real encounter
They yearn for the bliss of 'a soulmate' whose thoughts and feelings perfectly align with their own
My autistic clients seem to suffer in relationships because they are surrounded by and impacted by that magical thinking.
They develop a belief that they should magically know what others think and feel, but this is clearly not possible for them.
This can be experienced as an internal deficit or an unreasonable external demand; "something wrong with me", or "something wrong with them"
They suspect others are able to intrude into their thoughts and feelings which leaves them vulnerable to the opinions and criticisms of others.
They desire stable attachments where wants and needs can be expressed and understood explicitly, but this falls short of all the stereotypes of romantic love that surround them.
Ok, but... so what?
It seems as though perhaps my non-autistic clients are defended by a protective suit of magical thinking that gets in the way of real authentic contact with others, while my autistic clients feel defenceless and exposed, like a plot twist in which only the emperor realises he is wearing no clothes...
... so, this is what have I learned about these differences between autistic and non-autistic people:
1. I can be of most use to my autistic clients when I am gentle, tactful, clear, explicit about my reasoning and feelings, and say when I do not know.
2. I can be of most use to my non-austistic clients when I am gentle, tactful, clear, explicit about my reasoning and feelings, and say when I do not know.
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